Solitude in the Vedauwoos
I want to speak plainly and directly to an entity that I can’t quite perceive.
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Toxic Positivity
“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”
– David Whyte, “Sweet Darkness”
Trending these days in conversation is this concept of “toxicity.”
We hear it all the time: “I have to end this toxic relationship.”
People who talk about negative things have so much “toxic energy.”
It seems like many of us sit as judge and jury, labeling people and their behaviors as toxic/non-toxic. A verdict of “toxic” seems to give us permission to dismiss people into piles of …well….toxic waste.
I get it. We’re surrounded by the negative. Just read the headlines, right?
But it’s not just negativity in our external environment. We give free mental real estate to the most negative voice of all – our own. Loud and pervasive is the internal critical voice telling us what we’re doing wrong, our shortcomings, we’re not enough.
There’s plenty written on the downside of seeing the glass half empty. Most folks viscerally understand how bad it feels to dwell on resentment, grievance and seeing only lack in our lives.
However, I want to make the case that the opposite – seeing only the positive – is equally toxic and a distorted way of seeing that can become an addiction. While seemingly an antidote to negativity, blanket positivity can warp the truth, keeping us trapped in a vicious cycle of judgment and blame.
In other words, in the same way that negativity shuts out the good, reactive positivity represses and relegates to the shadows anything that smacks of difficult and painful emotions. When these emotions are closeted, we’ve deprived ourselves of integrating experiences that make us fully human, empathic, and whole
Anytime that we repress or deny or push away an emotion that is painful or dark, it’s the same as trying to push a fully inflated balloon under water. We’ll expend a ton of energy, but a version of that emotion will resurface elsewhere.
Here’s an example (hang with me here…there IS a connection!).
So, I’m embarking upon a newfound obsession of converting a van to a camper (more on that in future blogs!). The most daunting aspect of the conversion is the electrical system, which entails learning about solar panels, inverters, lithium batteries, AC/DC, etc. And while I feel relatively comfortable with basic plumbing and carpentry, electrical systems (justifiably) scare the bejeezus out of me. However, I am my father’s daughter, and am determined to learn.
Central to a functioning electrical system is the idea of a closed circuit, connecting the negative and positive polarities so that there can be flow of electricity, a flow of energy. If there is a break in the circuitry – the negative is disconnected from the positive – there is a breakdown in the entire system. Energy no longer flows, and the system is stalled.
This is no different from our inner wiring. We need to accept and even embrace our shadow self (grief, sorrow, sadness, feeling lost) in order to move energy and creatively flow into a different state.
We thrive on the ability to move energy, integrating the positive with the negative, in order to be fully whole, healthy and human.
And so, when we experience something difficult like losing a job (“negative”), this may ultimately be the best thing to happen in your life and open doors we never thought existed (“positive”).
My wish for the world . . . before we shut something or someone out because they’re negative or “toxic,” stop and remember that the darkness . . . the “negative” . . . the shadow . . . is as important and necessary and even divine as the light.
“It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable.”
– Nick Cave, Musician and Artist, Red Hand Files
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